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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350840">Wishes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_blue_owl/pseuds/small_blue_owl'>small_blue_owl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>David Copperfield - Charles Dickens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A little bit of angst, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Forbidden Love, Future Character Death, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Missing Scene, POV First Person, Period-Typical Homophobia, Regret, Sad, Slightly romantic with a sad ending, Sort Of, last time they see each other :(</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:54:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,738</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350840</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_blue_owl/pseuds/small_blue_owl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The last time David and Steerforth see each other is a first as well as a last.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>David Copperfield/James Steerforth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Wishes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! The beginning and end of this fic are lifted straight from the book and the middle is my own writing braided in. This is the last time Steerforth and David see each other. It seemed to me that if anything were to be said, it would be said then. So here is what I think happened the last time they saw each other. (I reference this scene in Dearest Friend, so you should probably read that before this but it can be a stand-alone piece, too.)  Again, this is kinda sad, and I'm sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~<strong>*</strong>~</p><p>“Goodnight!” said I, “my dear Steerforth! I shall be gone before you wake in the morning. Goodnight!”</p><p>He was unwilling to let me go; and stood, holding me out with a hand on each of my shoulders, as he had done in my own room.</p><p>“Daisy,” he said, with a smile—“for though that’s not the name your godfathers and godmothers gave you, it’s the name I like best to call you by- and I wish, I wish—” he trailed off. I looked expectantly into his handsome face; half lit by candlelight.</p><p>“What do you wish?” I inquired. He dropped his gaze and blinked several times.</p><p>“You wouldn’t understand,” he said, shaking his head.</p><p>I was quite curious as to what this wish could be for it seemed Steerforth had everything in the world he could want. Yet his face showed a deep sadness and longing that I had never beheld in it before.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t I understand?” I inquired, puzzled.</p><p>Steerforth lifted his eyes to mine. There was more pain there than I had imagined, and his voice shook when he spoke. He was always so happy and optimistic, and so this sudden alteration to his once smiling face caused me much alarm. “Because, my dearest Daisy, you have not the mind for it. I don’t believe you do now, and if you don’t now, you never will.”</p><p>“My dearest Steerforth! What can you mean?” He turned away from me, and as he did so, I caught sight of tears in his eyes. I began to fear that I should not have asked him about this wish that so clearly pained him to think of. He continued, however, his voice very quiet.</p><p>“I have thought,” he replied, his gaze fixed to the floor, “of certain situations and individuals in a light you can never see them in. I have wished and longed for what I can never have and yet is at my fingertips.” Here he reached forward as if to place a hand on my shoulder but sharply drew it away, turning from me entirely. “Daisy.” I was surprised at how altered his voice was by tears and something like frustration. “I cannot bear it any longer. I cannot have… this” he said deliberately and bitterly, “so close to me and yet farther than if a raging sea divided us.” He turned to me and caught up both my hands in his. His hands were warm, and I couldn’t help my surprise at this sudden contact. “Daisy, Daisy,” he whispered, “you must leave. I can’t bear it. I cannot live with it. It is too much. You must go.”</p><p>He dropped my hands again and walked to the opposite side of the room with such purpose that I feared for a moment he intended to open the door and leave me himself. I followed him, trying my hardest to understand his strange words.</p><p>“My dearest Steerforth,” said I “What does this mean? What is it you cannot have? You know I would give you anything in my power to give the moment you asked for it.” I placed a hand on his shoulder, but he drew away from me, shaking his head.</p><p>“It <em>is</em> in your power to give but you won’t. You can’t,” he said in a trembling voice. I could not tell whether it trembled from anger or tears. I was completely baffled.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t I?”</p><p>He suddenly wheeled around to face me, his face a mixture of anger and sadness. “Because it is you,” he cried, “It is you I have longed for, it is you I can never have.” He shaded his eyes with his hand. "I know it’s pointless. You would never love me in return. You’re just too good,” he said with a bitter emphasis on the last word, “Anything beyond friends would be wrong; unacceptable. I know.” His voice had dropped to practically below a whisper. “Go, Daisy,” he said, collecting himself with a tremulous breath, “I never meant to frighten you with the things that I think. You must hate me now,” he finished with bitterness.</p><p>He gestured towards the door, but I caught his trembling hand in mine, trying to keep my own hands from shaking. My mind was racing as I tried to comprehend everything that he had just said. I felt dizzy, though I knew not why. I had longed to hear those very words from his lips for the better part of the time that I had known him yet hearing them spoken at last was entirely different from imagining them. Hearing him say those words filled my heart in such a way as made me realize how empty it had been. I fought for words as I tried to speak all the thoughts and emotions flooding my mind in an unending wave.  </p><p>“Hate you?” I faltered, “My dearest Steerforth, I can never hate you. Under no circumstances would I ever feel that way towards you.” Steerforth raised his shining eyes to mine. He seemed to be at a loss for words and if I am to be honest, so was I. All I could think about was the fact that he was so close, yet I didn’t dare reach out to him for fear I would do something wrong. I had no idea how to navigate this and I was concerned that I would do something to upset him. A moment of silence hung between us and everything seemed to be in a delicate balance. In a sudden rush of boldness, I took a hesitant step forward reducing the space between us to a mere few inches. A trace of surprise crossed his face, and I began to doubt myself.</p><p>“Daisy?” he asked, his voice soft and slightly confused. I could feel my heart pounding. I had not the slightest idea why he was allowing this. He was too good for me. How was it that he allowed someone so inferior to be this close? I knew not where this sudden boldness came from or why the thought of closing the space between us entirely crossed my mind. The space between us was barely a few inches yet to cross it would take as much effort as a few miles. I barely had time to doubt myself before I leaned forward and kissed him. It was merely an instant; I was too afraid to make it last any longer, however much I wished it would. His eyes met mine with an amazement and joy that I will never forget.</p><p>“You love me?” His voice was so small that he sounded like a child. I would have laughed outright at this, had I not been so nervous that it would displease him. It seemed obvious that if he loved me, I would, of course, love him in return. “Of course I do,” I replied “How could it be otherwise? I have admired you for as long as I can remember. You are the guiding star of my existence, my dearest Steerforth.” A smile crept across his face and he raised an eyebrow, questioningly. “You meant that then?”</p><p>“Of course,” said I, “I only wish I could have told you sooner how much I adore you; how much I can’t live without you. Nothing you could ever do would stop me from loving you.”</p><p>I would have gone on had he not laid his hand on my cheek and pressed his lips to mine with a tenderness and affection I had never felt before or since. Any hard feelings I had harbored for him in the past melted in that kiss and for a moment I felt as if nothing could go wrong.</p><p>I had never felt so safe as I did in his arms that night; never felt so cherished, so adored. I thought him the height of perfection but would have never supposed that he thought the same of me. He treated me as though I were delicate and precious, yet that sly smile never really left his face. I envied him. He was always so free and wild and unguarded and daring; things I wish I had the boldness to be. I knew not if he could tell how much I idolized him yet that mischievous smile he wore gave considerable evidence to the point. He knew the slightest effort on his part was everything to me but what baffled me was that he never really took advantage of the fact. I know not how much of my complete trust of him was based in reality and how much was my own mind, painting him in the best light possible, but I was so in love, I truly believed that he could do no wrong. I found ways to justify anything he had done, no matter how wrong it may have seemed, although somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I shouldn’t. However, my mind would do anything to preserve the image of him that I treasured; bold, charming, and flawless.</p><p>Time seemed to cease its normal cadence that evening and everything else faded and was forgotten, save my beloved Steerforth and I. All I know was that it was well past midnight before I left his room. I had to rise early the following morning else I would have stayed longer. Steerforth agreed that I should sleep, and I was glad of it. If he had asked me to stay, I feared I would have been unable to resist. As I stood in the doorway, I vowed I would return to him when I could, and he embraced me so lovingly that I felt my resolve begin to fade. In retrospect, I wish it had. But he released me, saying, “We must both sleep.” I nodded. He smiled with such love in his eyes and I took his hand and held it to my heart.</p><p>Oh, how I wish I knew what little time we had! Regret still stings me to this day, whenever I look back on that night. Had I known that these few moments were our last, I would have never left that warm embrace. Yet I was so filled with love and joy that I believed no sorrow could touch me. And so, I left him. --Never more, oh God forgive you, Steerforth! to touch that passive hand in love and friendship. Never, never more.</p><p>~<strong>*</strong>~</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think I overworked this. Oh well. </p><p>Kudos and comments make my day :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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